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Submitted on
December 27, 2012
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Stuck in the fire
Heat on every side
Spurts of flame licking
Up along the body
leaving only dark dust behind

So slowly falling
against the ground
Landing all over
In silence

Silence
Silence
In silence

Then suddenly
a spark in the dark
Screeching light piercing
through the shroud

Majestic burning bright creature
rising up from the dark mist
spreading it's wings again
Stirring up the ash
of it's prior grave

The ash is that where
we all have our end
Or the fountain of
rebirth and redemption

The ash spawns the most
wonderful creature
Yet it always returns back
to coal black

That is the circle of life
Despite it not even ending up close too what I intended it too be I have too say I'm quite pleased with it.
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:iconlaeneris:
Hi Thor! I'm finally here - sorry that it took a while. I've already told you, honestly, I am very bad with poetry. Therefore I would consider my opinion mostly not valid, but hopefully there will be something in here that helps you.

Generic comments
The first impression I got after reading was 'phoenix.' I'm pretty certain that was somewhat of your intention (right?) so good job! I could see its rebirth in my mind very clearly. That is, the imagery you've used here was great. I especially liked the first stanza.

I thought the title was appropriate for this piece, since it quite literally mirrors what happens. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, isn't that how it goes?

Subject of poem
I do think this subject has become a bit cliche (but then again, what hasn't these days?). There's not really anything new you've added to it. I would've loved to see an original take on the concept of rebirth and what you've called the circle of life. This poem seemed a bit generic to me.

Execution of poem
This might just be me, but I cannot envision how this would be a song. I'm assuming it'd be a song because of the category it's in. There's no visible distinction between verse and chorus. I'm not saying you should simply repeat a stanza 3 times and call it a chorus, but maybe if you added more structure I could begin to see this as a song. :aww:

The final line seems to add a gloomy or perhaps eerie feel to what otherwise would've given me the impression of a positive poem. I'm not quite sure if that's what you were going for, but I liked it! It reminded me that not everything is permanent, that bad things will thankfully end but that the same goes for good and nice things.

As for the final three strophes, I feel as if the point to the entire poem is hidden in here. To me, the meaning was this: no matter how terrible or beautiful life seems, in the end, life is nothing but an endless cycle.
Somehow, I feel like everything before that could be shortened to get to the point. As in, the rebirth could be described with less words and still give the reader the same idea.

I couldn't really feel the flow here, if you could call it that. I tried reading it out loud. The line breaks sound a bit unnatural and forced. You've cut off sentences at places so that the next line usually becomes a stand-alone sentence, even if an entire stanza is just one sentence. Did that make any sense? ^^;

Grammar, spelling, style etc.
The ash is that where
we all have our end

Now this part seemed a little bit choppy to me. Perhaps you could try 'there' instead of 'that?'

Just a tiny thing: in the fifth stanza it should be 'its' instead of 'it's' because it indicates possesion. :)

Overview
All in all I think that you have a good base here, but I feel like it needs more shaping. The stanzas are irregular and I had problems finding a logical way through them. It feels to me as if there's a lesson in the poem, but I can't through to get to it. I think it could be modified to express the initial idea of the poem in a clearer way. :aww:

Well, that's all I can say about this. I'm honestly sorry for my words and I hope you haven't been offended by anything I've said. People have different opinions and I'm sure others would give an entirely different critique. Please remember that nothing I've said is aimed at you as a person, only at this particular piece. And as always, feel free to disagree with me. :blushes:

Peace out~ :peace:
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2 out of 3 deviants thought this was fair.

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:iconnaty-jamg:
NATY-JAMG Featured By Owner Feb 14, 2013   Traditional Artist
I like this one. It's very nice...touching words, good vocabulary.
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:iconbaccaratta:
baccaratta Featured By Owner Feb 14, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thank you :)
Reply
:iconcranberry413:
Cranberry413 Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012
Another random topic or is there something behind this inspiration? ;)

I really like it! It's incredibly descriptive, in a good way. It's so... true.. too. Great word choice. Of course that's always important in poetry, or any kind of writing for that matter, but I think your word choice really made this poem great. I don't have any complaints, but even if I did they'd be pretty inconsequential seeing how 1) this is good as it is and 2) I'm not exactly a poet myself. :XD: Anyway, nicely done. I like it :)
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:iconbaccaratta:
baccaratta Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Well there was an inspiration behind it initially, but as I said it didn't really end up as planned :P

Thank you, appreciated ^^
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:iconcranberry413:
Cranberry413 Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2012
Sometimes those changes in a plan can make it all the better! :P
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:iconbaccaratta:
baccaratta Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
And this time it did! :D
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:iconcranberry413:
Cranberry413 Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2012
Works out well for the author ^^
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:iconwriteacrossme:
writeacrossme Featured By Owner Dec 27, 2012  Student Writer
Wow you should be pleased with this! I kind of got this eerie feel at some points, but it's so... calming to read. I'm not sure how to explain it, but I really love this. I like your use of repetition and I think it flows well. ^^ Well done!
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:iconbaccaratta:
baccaratta Featured By Owner Dec 27, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Well thank you madame! ^^
I initially planned on using more repetitions as this is supposed to resemble a songtext, but it just didn't end that way ^^;
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:iconwriteacrossme:
writeacrossme Featured By Owner Dec 27, 2012  Student Writer
You're so welcome! :D
Well either way, it worked out well :nod:
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