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Who are you
Hiding away
Under a layer of goo

Denying the beauty
Of what lays beneath
Too show the world
What they think
They want to see

Are you hiding away
In fear for what they might say
Trying to fix what is not broken
Dreading the unspoken

Trapped in a cocoon
reinforced by surrounding pressure
Only when you see the value
Of natures beautiful creation
Will the butterfly burst free
And fly away on the winds of confidence
Poem picturing my view on social pressure on girls regarding looks.
Hi there. I'm critiquing! :dance:

I'll start with my explanation for the ratings I guess...
~Vision: It's nice. I like the imagery of girls as butterflies. I think the whole comparison of girls and makeup with butterflies and cocoons is perfect, they really do resemble each other well. And I love the scenery you described-- the whole winds of confidence, being trapped in a cocoon, etc. It's really beautiful.

~Originality: I gave you a 5, although I'm 99.9% sure this isn't the only piece (of any form) about girls and makeup. However, this is one of very few (if any at all) that I've personally seen. And of course, the way it's been done is unique too, as far as I know. So a 5 for you!

~Technique: I'm a little torn on my rating for this one actually. I'm not very good with poetry, and I know even less about it, but it seems odd that you have different rhyming patterns throughout each stanza. In the first one, it's every other line. In the second, there is no rhyming (from what I can see at least). In the third, it's the first two lines, and the last two lines. And in the fourth, there is no rhyming again. From the experience I've had with poetry (and please don't take my own meager attempts at it as examples), it's always seeemed like either there would be no rhyming, or one pattern throughout. Of course, this isn't to say that a new 'form' can't be done. Originality is always great! :nod:
Aside from the weird rhyming scheme, I really liked your style. I guess that goes along with the vision part.

~Impact: I gave it a 4.5. I personally loved the poem, and I completely agree with your views as well. I can't say it left a huge impact on me only because I already agree with you and whatnot, but I feel like it's a great expression of how everyone should think. Sadly, I don't think many opinions will change on this matter. :'( But that's got nothing to do with this poem, it's just my general opinion about the whole situation.

This is probably my longest critique ever. Props to you for making me write so much! :clap:
*Hope it's of some use :)
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
4 out of 4 deviants thought this was fair.

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Sinyaerinpyburn Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2012  Student General Artist
Nice piece ^^ keep it up
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Submitted on
November 2, 2012
File Size
620 bytes
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