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Submitted on
September 11, 2012
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Sometimes I stand by the oceanside
Blowing a kiss
Against the horizon
Hoping it will reach across
So you can feel the breeze
Of my love flowing trough your hair

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I hear the waves collide
With the bedrock beneath
Feeling the force sending
Shivers through my body
Reminding me that the force
Of passion will punch through

And through the glaring hole
The breeze flows through
Carrying a message on it's wings
A light sound of 3 heavy words
I love you
Short little text that cheers me up when I get down

EDIT: I have extended the original piece, the ~~~ marks the line between the old and the new part.
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:iconthe-autumns-end:
I actually quite like the contradiction of "the light sound of three heavy words." Contradiction is something that I enjoy including in my own writing, as I think it can be very thought provoking and profound. I'd say keep it, but maybe find new adjectives to convey your meaning. For example, maybe instead of "light," you could use "airy," and find a new word for "heavy." Just a suggestion! But I'm liking the message this particular line sends.

My only other suggestion is that I think the word "punch" sounds a little too abrupt. Perhaps you could find another word that sounds a little more elegant while still getting the meaning across.

But I love, love, love the beginning:

"Sometimes I stand by the oceanside
Blowing a kiss
Against the horizon"

Great hook, it drew me right in! Overall, this was a lovely piece. I hope you will keep writing!
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:iconthatfunnierpiece:
ThatFunnierPiece Jan 11, 2013
I wasn't supposed to have the will to comment of this piece - but then I saw somebody notice it would make a good song. I heard it in my head, arranged the words in bars - and now I love it. How peculiar.
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:iconbaccaratta:
baccaratta Jan 13, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Well thank you! If this continues I might just have too make a tune for it :D
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:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Jan 7, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
... "a light sound of 3 heavy words... I love you"...

:clap: that is the most heartfelt and sweetest poem I've ever read... Very... *excited*...

*takes deep breaths* okay, I think I should calm down now...
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:iconbaccaratta:
baccaratta Jan 7, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I'm happy you liked it!
Many people seem to agree with the contradiction in the sentence, maybe that is a tool I should use more frequently(?)
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:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Jan 7, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:)

... It doesn't always work; I've tried it, turns comical.

the catch is keeping it light, and balancing it out - like this poem, for instance...

My suggestion... use it when you're introspective... and when the inspiration that you have is most fresh.
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:iconbaccaratta:
baccaratta Jan 7, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Good point, I'll keep that in mind. Thank you!
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:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Jan 7, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:)
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:iconcranberry413:
I'm back for more!

I love it. :love: My one little nitpick comment though: It seems a little odd that you say "a light sound of 3 heavy words"... Maybe a bit contradictory? Could just be me. Anyway, I love it!
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:iconbaccaratta:
baccaratta Nov 12, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Yes i know, I'm not quite pleased with it and will likely change it in the near future :)
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:iconcranberry413:
Well, problem [partially] solved then ;)
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